I was at ChunkaMunk's dance class a while back and struck up a conversation with a guy friend of mine whose daughter dances at the same time. We were talking about how we are raising our children and how things are so different nowadays, than they were back when we were growing up. You know, how back in the day, if our mom or dad said our name in the slightest whisper, we immediately answered to them and how now a days, it's more like the kids are the ones who call the shots. We struck up this conversation about this because while we were waiting for dance class to begin, he softly whistled at his daughter to get her attention and to come to him. I laughed, because I thought that was amazing that even though she was so busy playing with her friends, her ears picked up on that whistle....his whistle.... and she was there within a split second, saying "yes sir?"
Anyway....he was telling me about how he and his girls were in a grocery store and he whistled at one of them because she had walked away and this woman gave him a horrified look and proceeded to say that she couldn't believe he whistled at his child like a dog.....so I asked him, "Did you tell her that when you wanted her opinion, you'd whistle for it?".....we cracked up laughing...
This got me to thinking and I know, I know...that's dangerous. But, you know how there are times that you want to talk to someone...just get something off of your chest that has been bothering you or you've been feeling guilty about something and you just need to say it out loud, to someone, or you just need to rant, because that's what women need to do sometimes...just rant.....or you want to share some exciting news, or you just need a good ole' cry on a friend's shoulder? What you don't want is for that friend to judge, to act offended at or pretend to be above what you are talking about....but most of all, what you don't want is their advice. You just want them to listen.... It's especially frustrating when you're excited about something happening and you share whatever that is with friends and they immediately give you advice on what you should do. Case in point, I went to try out for The Voice and I only told a hand full of personal friends. Still, I got advice on what to wear, what not to wear, what to sing or not to sing, how to do my hair, how to sing, how to sound unique (what?) what to drink....and it was all good advice, and meant well, but I didn't ask for it and most of it, I knew, and no, I didn't make the show and yes, I was told by one that I would probably had made it if I had listened to their advice on song choice (I'm sorry, but singing Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon" wouldn't have worked....no, really...trust me on this).
I have a friend who, when she was talking to me about something she was going through, I told her that I just didn't have any advice to give, and I truly didn't know what to tell her. I was shocked to hear her say, "that's okay....I really only want to hear, sweetie, I'm sorry and I love you and I'm here for you". I'm gonna try my best to remember that when I'm listening to my friends....I'm gonna try and wait for them to ask me what I would do instead of just putting it out there, because I know that I tend to be one of those people who want to give advice, even though I am the last one who should be giving it. Geesh, I can barely figure out which is the front part of the underwear, much less, give you advice on love, marriage, or how you should raise your children. Especially how to raise your children. Let's face it, I had one fall out of a buggy and let another flip her carry seat, while she was in it, off of the table (no worries...they were both okay)....you definitely don't want parenting advice from me, but any ways, I am the one who tends to want to give advice, even though when it comes time for me to bare my soul to you, I am the one who doesn't want the advice you have to offer.
So, here we go....a service announcement, from me to you....When I want your advice, I will whistle. And you know what....I'm gonna do a better job on my end and I'll be listening for your whistle when you're ready for mine.
Anyway....he was telling me about how he and his girls were in a grocery store and he whistled at one of them because she had walked away and this woman gave him a horrified look and proceeded to say that she couldn't believe he whistled at his child like a dog.....so I asked him, "Did you tell her that when you wanted her opinion, you'd whistle for it?".....we cracked up laughing...
This got me to thinking and I know, I know...that's dangerous. But, you know how there are times that you want to talk to someone...just get something off of your chest that has been bothering you or you've been feeling guilty about something and you just need to say it out loud, to someone, or you just need to rant, because that's what women need to do sometimes...just rant.....or you want to share some exciting news, or you just need a good ole' cry on a friend's shoulder? What you don't want is for that friend to judge, to act offended at or pretend to be above what you are talking about....but most of all, what you don't want is their advice. You just want them to listen.... It's especially frustrating when you're excited about something happening and you share whatever that is with friends and they immediately give you advice on what you should do. Case in point, I went to try out for The Voice and I only told a hand full of personal friends. Still, I got advice on what to wear, what not to wear, what to sing or not to sing, how to do my hair, how to sing, how to sound unique (what?) what to drink....and it was all good advice, and meant well, but I didn't ask for it and most of it, I knew, and no, I didn't make the show and yes, I was told by one that I would probably had made it if I had listened to their advice on song choice (I'm sorry, but singing Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the Moon" wouldn't have worked....no, really...trust me on this).
I have a friend who, when she was talking to me about something she was going through, I told her that I just didn't have any advice to give, and I truly didn't know what to tell her. I was shocked to hear her say, "that's okay....I really only want to hear, sweetie, I'm sorry and I love you and I'm here for you". I'm gonna try my best to remember that when I'm listening to my friends....I'm gonna try and wait for them to ask me what I would do instead of just putting it out there, because I know that I tend to be one of those people who want to give advice, even though I am the last one who should be giving it. Geesh, I can barely figure out which is the front part of the underwear, much less, give you advice on love, marriage, or how you should raise your children. Especially how to raise your children. Let's face it, I had one fall out of a buggy and let another flip her carry seat, while she was in it, off of the table (no worries...they were both okay)....you definitely don't want parenting advice from me, but any ways, I am the one who tends to want to give advice, even though when it comes time for me to bare my soul to you, I am the one who doesn't want the advice you have to offer.
So, here we go....a service announcement, from me to you....When I want your advice, I will whistle. And you know what....I'm gonna do a better job on my end and I'll be listening for your whistle when you're ready for mine.
This is awesome. And it's a whole different thing for me if it's something I don't know about. But most of the time when we are talking to friends about our relationships or whatever, we know them best so it's not a thing of telling us what we should do. Most times, we know what we should do or not do. And hearing it just either makes you mad or makes you feel guilty. If someone seems like they don't know something about a subject, I'll tell them "well did you know...." but that's it. In my working career, there's this misnomer that therapists are paid to give advice. That's not how I roll. I was in therapy for a l-o-n-g time and the only chick that ended up doing anything for me was the one who looked at me and said: "So what are YOU gonna do?" and made me examine my options, draw out possible consequences, take action and then take accountability for those actions. So that is what I tried to do. I won't say with friends and family that I don't sometimes do the "you know what you should do?" but I'm also really trying to pay attention to when and why I'm doing that. Usually with family it's because of a innate protective nature. And with friends there are many reasons, but most of them selfish. Thanks for this reminder to stay on the path of being a good friend. Great post!!
ReplyDeletePoint well taken! My (insert relation here) came over and starting ranting about (insert name here)...I tried to offer advice, but honestly stumbled. Finally, they said...I'm just venting, I don't want advice. BIG EYE OPENER! I now try to listen 1st - definitely harder!
ReplyDeleteI love your words ~ and am giving you the Versatile Blogger Award~ Enjoy!
http://lipstickmargaritasandhairspray.com/2012/08/15/thank-you-thank-you-very-much/