Blue Waffles are not edible.

Yes, we are entering those awkward years.  You know the one where the Little Man's got some questions.  Important questions.  Thangs he needs to know.  And we have an agreement, that if he hears kids talking about something and he doesn't know what it is, he isn't supposed to confess that to them, nor is he supposed to ask those kids what it is.  He is supposed to come to Mom and Dad because we will always tell him the truth, no matter how awkward it may be, where as those kids may not know what the hell they are talking about and give him some wrong information, and well, I don't want my son to sound like an idiot, especially when it is stuff concerning sex.  I want him to be able make the dumbass kid who is spouting off all kinds of crap about sex, look like an idiot.  We also told him that if we didn't know what it was he was asking about, we would look it up and find out.

The problem with telling your pre-pubescent son to ask you anything is, well, HE WILL ASK YOU ANYTHING.  Usually, these questions come up while Dad is offshore, so I do the best that I can.  My first question, came about a year ago.

"Ma, what are blue waffles?"

Now, this seemed totally legit to me.  I thought, surely, this is waffles with blueberries.  Me, in apparent naivete, did not know what waffle was slang for.  Hell, it wasn't until the last 4 months that I heard the term "twatwaffle" and now use it frequently, myself.  But rest assured, I now know what waffle means.

"Little Man, I don't know.  Can you use it in a sentence on how you heard it being said and maybe I will understand it better."

He kind of shuffles his feet and I can tell that he is nervous about going any further.

"Well, some boys were laughing during recess after lunch and said something about a nasty blue waffle."

Okayyyy, well, that should have been clue number one.  But sometimes, things don't hit me square in the face like they should.  So, I break out the computer (mistake).

"Let's Google it and see what it says."  I had no goshdang clue that I was about to scar my son for life.  To the point to where when I relayed the story to The Big Sexy when he called home from the rig that night, he stifled his laughter and offered to pick up some girlie magazines on his way home, in order to repair some of the damage.

We sit down on the couch, open up the laptop, Google comes up and I type in "blue waffles" and being a blond who will admit to being stupid at times, I clicked the link without reading the description first.  Up comes a page and before I know it, a picture of a nasty, bruised up twat appears before us.  ESCAPE, ESCAPE, ESCAPE....WHERE IS THE EFFING ESCAPE BUTTON!!!!!  Too late, the damage is done.  Little Man is now wanting to know what in the world that was.  So, I made him go sit on the other couch, while I pulled the page back up.  Here is what the website said,

“Severe vaginal infection/STD on the vagina. The infection could cause lesions on the outside of the vagina, as well as bruising, which causes it to look blue in color.”

I look up at my son, whose red face matches mine, and say just a minute...I google some more.  Come to find out, after more research, "blue waffles" is a fictitious STD.  Doesn't exist.  (Oh thank Gawd).  Pictures have been photoshopped or misrepresented.  Yeah, whewsh.  Great.  In the mean time, how do I explain to my son what he saw?  Here's a little bit of how the conversation went:

LM (Little Man) - Ma, WHAT WAS THAT?
Me - It was a vagina son?  A really bad, ugly, beatup vagina.
LM - What happened to it?
Me - I don't know.  But someone thought it would be funny to make up a disease named Blue Waffle and post pictures of that.  It's not a real disease though.
LM - Do vaginas look like THAT?
Me - No son.  But when you are older, if you EVER come across one that DOES look like that, you run.  Run fast and hard and get the hell out of there.
LM - But I thought you said Blue Waffles wasn't real.
Me - It's not, but don't take any chances, okay?

Now, when he has questions for me, and I don't know the answer, he will blurt out, "Don't google it."  Trust me, son...I won't...at least not in front of you. 

At least we now know that Blue Waffles aren't edible.