"I'm not gonna lie. There are some days that I wish I wasn't a mother. Of course, there is immediate guilt for having those thoughts.....but I admit to having them. Some days I suck ass as a mother. Today is one of them days. Anyone who says it's always rainbow and butterflies is a liar."
Oh, Gawd. I typed that out on my Facebook page yesterday....and I posted it. As soon as I did, I felt sick. Sick for putting that out there in the universe. Sick for admitting it out loud. And sick because I just KNEW that I was gonna get backlash for it, because I've seen some of my friends who have gotten slammed for admitting far less of things.
I was surpised.
I was shocked at the messages sent and the comments posted saying that they have felt that way, too and that I was one of the most real people that they had "met" on here for admitting it. People thanking me for putting that out there and letting them know that they were not alone. Let me tell you something....YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Motherhood is one of the most wonderful jobs I have. There are times where my kids still want to be right beside me and hug me and help me. There are times that their heart is breaking and I can comfort them like noone else can. There are times where they need advice and they know that I'm going to straight shoot it to them. All of those are wonderful, wonderful times. But then....there are those times where nothing I say, do, look, cook, feel is right to them. Nothing. It's those days....those few and far between days where I think, what in the hell was I thinking in being a mother? They obviously think that I am stupid and know nothing. They obviously hate everything that I do. I am simply their chauffeur, their maid, their cook and that is ALL that they want me for. I don't want to be a mother.
And then the guilt sets in for that one, seven word thought. Immediate guilt. Of course I want to be a mother. If something happened to one or both of them, I would be devastated. And yet....that thought did and does cross my mind....and I admit that it does. Why would I not admit that it does? I'm not perfect. I don't even strive to be anymore. I try to be the best that I can....and my best is okay. Okay is the new best, didn't you know? By admitting that it's not always rainbows and butterflies and that there are moments where I don't feel love for my children, that is not admitting that I am a terrible person. It's admitting that I am a human who gets stressed and who "feels the feelings" (as my friend Katy says).
Motherhood. A wonderful, but sometime thankless role. Thankless until you're 55 years old and about to breathe your last breath and your 29 year old daughter is kneeling beside your bed, realizing that she never thanked you enough for all that you did and feels regret for that and so she cries and begins thanking you, right then and right there and hopes that you heard her and understood her. And now at 37, that same daughter knows that one day, her own children are going to thank her for all that she did for them.....and they will even thank her when the day comes that they have their own children and she honestly tells them that there will be these days where they don't like or even feel like loving them...and that's okay, because it passes just as quickly as it surfaces.
