Happy Belated Mother's Day from an Angry Mom

***Warning....there will be curse words, so turn back if you are easily offended.***

 

This years Mother's Day creeped up on me.  It creeped up on me and scared the shit out of me like that fucking clown from Stephen King's "It".  And I wasn't prepared for it.....AT ALL.  I mean, yeah, I was prepared in the sense that I AM a mother, but I wasn't prepared for it in the sense that I have no mothers.  And then, all of a sudden I found myself angry and that is where the scaring the shit outta me part came into play.  The angry stuff. 

 

I am angry and it is creeping into my every day life and it's affecting MY role as a mother because I'm not the mean, angry mom, but fuck me if I haven't become one.  And why is that?  Well, it's because I am selfish.  I am selfish in the fact that I feel like I was robbed of my two mothers (biological and in law), way too soon.  I need them.  I need them now more than ever because I have absolutely no guidance (and trust me...I need guidance) in raising my kids and I need more help than ever with my son who has hit early puberty and I have no fucking clue what to do with him and the attitudes and the questions....oh my gods the questions.  So, pardon the hell out of me while I throw a big hissy fit because I am angry. 

 I found myself perusing Facebook and looking at all the wonderful pictures of my friends with their mothers and their smiling faces and posting about how much they love their mothers and I found myself thinking terrible thoughts about them.  What the hell?  Why in the hell am I hating the fact that these lovely friends of mine HAVE their moms here?  What is wrong with me?  Do I REALLY want them to experience the pain of not having their mom with them to share their heartaches and celebrations with?  Um, no.  No, I don't.  As a matter of fact, I want NONE of them to experience the pain of losing a parent.  And yet, there I was, begrudging them for having their mom, anyways.  And I felt like a terrible, miserable human being.  And so, I shut my facebook and page down and crawled into bed and cried.  And it will be that way until I get my head straight. Okay, maybe not all the way straight....cause that would mean I will be gone forever.  I won't put a time frame on it.  I will say that I miss my outlet called Facebook, but I also have to say that it is nice to not be caught up in the every day drama of others and what they freely post.  Trust me when I say that I may post a lot of things, but I don't post ALL things and for that, be thankful.  My readers don't want to know just how fucked up I am.  What I will share with you right now is that I dealing a tremendous amount of grief.  Mourning the loss of my mother, even though it's been 9 years.  Mourning the loss of my mother in law, who has been gone a year now.  Mourning the watching of my husband deal with his own grief.  Mourning the watching of my children try to deal with all of it too and having so many changes take place in their life, that they have no control over, yet have to deal with. 

Yeah, maybe this should be just a diary entry.  I don't know.  But for those of you who truly "follow" my blog, I thought I owed you an explanation as to where I am.  And so if you can get past the unflowiness of this post and just know that I will be okay, that would be great.  I've bottle things up for a long time and the cork is out and I'm letting it flow out and I will be okay. 

Love to you who care and have reached out.  XOXO.....XO.

Feliz Navidad...Wait, NO...That's Not Right...

Shit....Feliz Navidad is all I can think of and I took 4 years....4 years of Spanish.  It's Feliz Cumpleanos, with that little ~ over the "n".  Yeah, that.  What the hell....it's happy first birthday to the day "What I Really Meant to Say" began over on Facebook.  Or is it Happy Anniversary.  WHO CARES????  It's been a whole year.  A whole dayum year.  I can't believe I kept doing the page for this long.  Why?  Because I get bored quite easily.  But, somehow, for some reason, that page has filled a void that I didn't realize existed, until I began connecting with so many other people.

 

"Why did you start that page, Jennay?"

 

Well, thank you for asking.  I started it because after a very long battle with cancer, my mother in law had recently passed away (Late April) and the eight year anniversary of my own mother's death (late May)was quickly approaching and that always...ALWAYS sends me into a tailspin.  Whoever said that time heals all things, well, they didn't quite get it right.  It doesn't heal ALL things.  Nothing ever heals losing your mother and now I had two of them that I was mourning the loss of.  ANYWAYS, I've always been known to say off the wall things on my personal page, but when the comment was made "you are now the representing lady of the family and people are watching you", well, it made me nervous.  So, for a couple of weeks, I held back on posting my usual stuff on my personal page and I soon found myself in a worser funk than ever.  Facebook is not necessarily an addiction for me, it's an outlet.  It's where I could express myself with humor, sometimes tasteless, sometimes not, and now it felt like there was too much pressure to be subdued and too much worry that what I wanted to post may not be appropriate or could hurt someone's feelings.  I have a desire to be funny.  A desire to laugh my way through the bad.  I need this. 

 

Then it hit me.  I had been following several pages and blogs since Christmas time.  I read stuff religiously and can't even begin to give credit to the number of pages who helped me laugh my way through some dark stuff for about 5 months. (You can find most of them listed somewhere on my main blog page) But it started off with five pages that I followed.  Those five, so different from one another, yet each one of them resonated with me in a way that I needed.  A couple of them were bloggers, but a couple of them didn't blog a lot (at the time), yet they posted stuff that I found myself thinking "Batballs, Robin!  I've thought that VERY thing"....Then I realized, Holy Mother of all things not so holy.....this is what I need to do.  I need to start my own page and then I can say what I want and BAM...problem solved...I get to express myself.  (I'm not gonna lie, I typed express myself and immediately conjured up my breastfeeding days....I digress...GAWD). 

 

When I started What I Really Meant to Say, I had four personal friends on there.  Only four.  What was the point of having a page to say what I want, if I invited people from my personal side to come over, only for them to still criticize me.  Nope.  I didn't want it.  Now, I have 29 personal friends over there.  How in the hell did that happen?  Well, 10 of them are from my real life friends (see, I still keep it a little secret) and then I became friends with administrators of pages.  Admins who are amazing women and men.  A couple of them I just got to meet in person and yes....they are exactly as they represent themselves on here.  Amazing women, who are bright, funny and uplifting.  I don't know if they and the many others, know  just how much they have helped me through.  It was because of all of these very admins that may page grew.  They don't just share anybody.  There has to be something about you that they relate to.  But when they did share me, well, that's where all of you guyses came into the picture.

 

You....you people.  Y'all are freaking amazing.  Most of you are far funnier than I am.  Most of you are a lot sweeter than I am, that's for sure.  I can't believe that there are over 4,000 of you now. That number is small compared to some pages, but I never really thought I would have more than 10, let alone 4, 000 plus some, here to laugh with me, encourage me, send good vibes my way when I need them, and then when you may not agree with what I say, you move on to my next thing and you don't criticize me (or you unlike me, which makes me sad, but I completely understand).  It has never been a numbers thing for me.  I won't lie, it feels good to see your number of "likes" climb, but with mo' numbers comes mo' problems.  Only, for me, in the year that I have been writing random thoughts for you to see, I have only had two...TWO people who were negative.  That is amazing.  And I am so, so very thankful that you are here.    You have encouraged me as mothers, you have encouraged me as wives or significant others, you have encouraged me as people who have lost a loved one, you have encouraged me as friends, you have encouraged me as people who have battled their weight.....you have encouraged me....period.  And I pray to the Goddess that I have encouraged you all in the same way.

 

 There is nothing like having a place to say what you need.  Whether it is funny, sad, serious, or angry.  Thank you for giving me a place to say it.  And thank you for helping me to continue to laugh my way through life....the good, the bad, AND the ugly (and yes, yes, I DID just do the whistle from that movie.)

 

 

And so now....now we get to my favorite part....celebration. 

 

 

PRINGLES!!!!! 

 

 

HEATH BARS!

 

 

And other random craziness!

 

Happy Birthpageanniversary Day!