Phhhhshaw. Bleh. Kick dirt....feel better.

Every now and then, I get in these little moments of feeling like, enh, nobody likes me, I'm not good enough, I don't fit in...you know...those feelings that you had in high school.  The whole, "nobody likes me, every body hates me, guess I'll eat some worms." feeling.  What is that shit?  Why, at 37 years old, am I feeling like that again?  It's over the silliest things, too.  Sets of friends getting together and not inviting me, whether it be for dinner or movies or just dranks.  Someone looked at me like, go to hell.  Etc, etc.  See, it's really stupid stuff.  But it's this stupid stuff that makes me want to just say I hate everybody, cause they obviously hate me.  Why is it that I always feel the need to be so dang accepted? 

I think it all stems from growing up and being the outcast because I was Pentecostal.  The girl who could sing, but was weird because she always wore denim skirts with an untucked tee shirt, never wore makeup and could never go anywhere because it was against her religion.  I was never part of a real group.  Even at my church, I was never one of the popular ones.  I now know that it really didn't matter whether I was part of a certain group, that ulitimately, I needed to learn to fit in with myself and until I did that, I wouldn't feel accepted by others.  Maybe it comes from being so verbally assaulted from my father for all my life, constantly being told I was a disappointment, up until I chose to forgive him for all he had done to me, but  letting him go and not be a part of my life as part of that forgiveness process.  I don't know.  What I do know is that those feelings still suck ass and still manage to suck the life out of me, when they come up, until I manage to shake them off.

Ultimately, I am the one who decides how I feel.  I determine whether I will let other people bring me down or make me feel unwanted and unloved.  I have an amazing husband, wonderfully funny children, I am healthy and I have a good job.  Why should I be letting other people determine how I am feeling at THAT moment.  I posted the following status on my facebook page a while back,

"I hate those days of feeling like I'm not good enough and nobody likes me.  So what do I do to shake these feelings off?  I look in the mirror and I say to myself, 'Self.  You is good.  You is kind.  You is loved.'   Haha...I'm just kidding.  I totally don't go all The Help on myself, but I do have to remind myself, that I don't need to be accepted by others.  I don't need to "fit in", whatever that is.  What I do need is to love myself for who I am and how I am.  And realize that if others can't accept it, well, it's their flipping loss.  Not mine.  Cause I'm pretty badass.....I think."

It totally fits here.  And there you have it.  I'll let myself mullygrub for a minute....but only a minute, cause then I remember that I'm pretty dayum awesome.  I have the shirt that proves it.