What Are You Thinking???

No...not you.  Not really.  It's a rhetorical question...or maybe not, because I'm not quite sure what that is, but saying big words (even incorrectly used) make me sound/feel smart, so I put that in there. I work as a secretary in a Parks & Recreation Department.  Me and one of the park workers were sitting, dranking coffee and talking about some of the things people do in our parks and it literally had me shaking my head, wondering, what in the world are these people thinking when they do this stuff?  What do you mean, Jennay?  Well, let me tell you....sometimes, Parks & Recreation, it's about playgrounds and sports, then other times, it's about "Parking" & "Recreating" and sometimes, well, I'm just not so sure WHAT it's about.

Here...I'll let you in on some of the things we do and things we find:

~ Every morning, our crew arrives an hour earlier than other department crews.  Why?  Condom check.  Yeah, that's right.  I said condom check.  Eight years ago, when I first started here, I had no idea that having sex in a children's playground was so popular.  But, it is.  We started having to do this condom check due to the fact that a woman took a child to the playground and the child brought a used condom to his mother, who in turn, marched straight to the Mayor's office and threw it on his desk.  Can you imagine how THAT conversation went?  Ugh.  So, now...condom check...every dayum day.

~ Baseball Dugouts AKA Adulterer's paradise ~ hey...it doesn't cost anything for this little "room" but the downside is that you may get an audience without knowing it.  Let's just give this little piece of advice.  If you want to pull up in your minivan with car seats in it and passionately kiss the man who gets out of his suped up Camaro and back your way into the dugout to do the do, well, you may want to do that at night and not in plain site.  You may be playing "ball" while your spouse is at work, but it definitely ain't baseball and while I am enjoying the show from my work window, let's just make it clear that I don't need binoculars to be able to see what you're doing....it's quite clear.  Matter of fact, you taught me a new move.  No, really..thank you for that.  (Readers, if you're wondering...this takes place weekly.)

~ Um...how do I say this....we find sexual apparatus (apparati??) in our park.  From small pocket vibrators to a fairly large dildo found at the end of a slide.  <shudders> I don't even want to think about what was going on with that, but what I can tell you is that when I saw it, my hoohah actually hurt from the thought of it.   Then I was like, surely that wasn't used IN our park.  Surely, some teenager found it in their mom's drawer and took it and was all like, "look what I found" with his friends ...and then, I'm taken to a whole NEW level of gross because of the possibility that some kid is going around holding something that has been in his mom's hoohah.

You found WHAT?

~ Female hygiene products. Yeah...this is always found in the ladies restroom. Obviously. Only, I wouldn't necessarily say that it was a "lady" who does this. Does what? Leaves her used tampon applicator out or laying on the floor ...or worse the actual used tampon. But you know what is the craziest thing done with a used pad? Someone pulls a lot of toilet paper out, attaches the pad to it and takes the time to roll it back up into the commercial sized dispenser, so that later on, another person goes to do their business, pulls on the toilet paper and out comes a used pad. Sick, sick, SICK individuals.

~ Drugs and drug apparatus. This is sad but true, but during "condom check" eight out of ten searches also find drugs or stuff used for drugs.  Joints, syringes and yes, homemade bongs with residue.  This is the serious, not funny part of my story...If you are going to do that shit, do it somewhere other than a playground.  While you may choose to put that in your body, I do not believe that a parent who brings their innocent child to a playground is choosing for their child to find your syringes and bongs as part of the playground equipment.  Stop that shit...okay?

~ Shit.  No...not shit, as in "shit, I forgot something.", but shit as in SHIT.  Do you know that people, grown ass adults, will choose to forgo the toilet in the bathroom stall where they can drop off the kids in private, for a sink?  This is something that is usually found in the men's restroom of our parks.  Those muthatruckers will hike their ass right up on a bathroom sink and drop of lovely little load there.  Now, I try to give the benefit of the doubt by thinking, maybe the stalls were full and they couldn't wait, but Imma tell you this...I would shit my pants and leave the park before I would park my ass onto a sink and have the possibility of someone exiting the stall or walking into the bathroom and catch me pinching one off.   How do I come to the conclusion that this was not an emergency drop off?  Because there is no mess on the floor of the sides of the sink.  Just a perfectly piled up turd, lying in the sink.

~ While we are on the subject of shit...we once had someone take a shit on top of one our dump truck hoods.  Get it?  Yes, someone took a dump, on the dump truck. 

~ Going back to sex stuff, did I mention that a couple was once found having sex atop of the water tower located next to our park?  It's true.  Poor man's version of the mile high club.  Only not a mile high.

As I have typed out all of this, I have just sat here, shaking my head with each one and thinking once again...What were they thinking?  Sex in a playground?  Not my thang, but mainly because I really don't want mulch in my female parts.  That just seems a little uncomfortable.  Sex in a dugout?  Well, these are made of wood and if I was gonna cheat on my husband, it may be a little hard to explain why he's having to help me with pulling pieces of wood (giggle) outta my ass.  Leaving out used female hygiene products?  I would love to slap who ever does that with a bloody tampon of my own, but the truth is, my own used products gross me out quite a bit, so I don't see me doing that.  Shitting in sinks?  Yeah...I got nothing witty to say about that...it's just gross. 

And so ...there you have it my friends....Parks and Recreation.  It is and it isn't, kind of what you see on t.v.  I reckon.