It Wasn't A Pretty Break Up

Ugh... It's been so long since I've written.  So long.  And truthfully, I don't know that I have MISSED it.  I mean...I kinda have, but I've been in such a weird state for several months.  Going through a lot, but yet so much of it is not mine to be able to share and so I haven't.  Plus with Summer comes Summer Camp and then that takes up all of my time and now that it's over and I sit here in my office, in the quiet and I'm like, I should write something.  But what should I write?  I mean, what's on my mind today?  Oh...I don't know.  Everything and nothing.  Stuff that means so much to me, but maybe not so much to others.  I'm behind on everything.  Housework....laundry, deep cleaning.  Ugh.  I'm behind on my reading of all of my blogger friends writings, posts....lives.  And so I try to pick one of them, catch up on all of the reading, then move on to another... but, even that feels overwhelming.  And yet it shouldn't be. It's just reading for George's Sake. 

What else....what else has been on me mind.....

My weight....GODS....that has been on my mind.  We all know that I am a former fat person.  Only, in my head, I'm still there.  Not that I am a skinny thing now, because I am so not.  But I struggle with my self image on a daily basis.  And that struggle is my own fault really.  It hasn't helped that I have gorged myself beyond measure on such terrible, terrible foods.  The Heaths....OH MY GOD THE HEATH'S.  And my dear wonderful husband knows my new found love for them and was so sweet when he bought me a whole box of 24 and I LOVED HIM SO MUCH for that thought.  I had no idea that one food could bring me down so hard.  He bought me that box almost three months ago.  I finally finished it off last week and when I did, I showed it to him and told him, "Baby....I love you and I love that you thought of me....but please...please, PLEASE don't ever buy me those again."  He looked at me, with my stupid tears, nodded, understood and then hugged me.

For those of you who may not know me very well, you may not know that when it comes to food, when I fall off the healthy eating wagon....I literally fall off and get left miles and miles behind and then I cannot say no.  And even when I tell myself no, I still eat it.  Or attempt to.  Only now, most of it, I physically cannot eat due to having weight loss surgery (the Lap Band) eight years ago.  But does that stop me from still trying?  Hell no.  Even with knowing that I can't....I still try.  Why?  Because I'm screwed up in the head, I reckon.  Screwed up and always wanting what I shouldn't have.  Like those goshdang Heath bars.  And then, I look at others who I know have struggled with their weight and are now successful in weight loss and they look so wonderful and I find myself being jealous and then feeling really fat and then, yes, I run away and feel guilty for those terrible thoughts and I go find the junkiest food I can and eat again.  What. The. Fuck. Jennay. 

Want to know the weird thing?  I step on that evil thing called a scale and do you know that thing has the nerve to tell me that I weigh 174 pounds.  174 pounds.  Not the 336 pounds that it used to be.  Not the 250 pounds that I was 4 years ago.  Not even the 190 pounds that I was so dayum sure I weighed due to eating all of these terrible awful foods.  And yet...I tell myself that the scale is surely wrong.  Because I am the fat girl.  I am.  But I am not.  See...I'm am so confusing. 

And so, here I am, trying to get my head back on straight with food.  Trying to tell it that we are breaking up.  Or at least trying to tell the Heath bar that we have to see other people.  Not to mention, I have to start visiting Heath's worst enemy...the gym.  But we'll save that conversation for another time.  I don't think he's ready for that one, as he's heartbroken that I've severed our relationship....for broccoli and chicken.  He knows that I don't even LIKE broccoli and chicken and so he is convinced that I am leaving him for Pringles and Whatchamacallits.  He's hurt....and I understand.  So, I will just sip on my water...not sweet tea....and give him the space that he and I both need.  And hope that Heath will understand that it wasn't him....it was totally me.