***Warning....there will be curse words, so turn back if you are easily offended.***
This years Mother's Day creeped up on me. It creeped up on me and scared the shit out of me like that fucking clown from Stephen King's "It". And I wasn't prepared for it.....AT ALL. I mean, yeah, I was prepared in the sense that I AM a mother, but I wasn't prepared for it in the sense that I have no mothers. And then, all of a sudden I found myself angry and that is where the scaring the shit outta me part came into play. The angry stuff.
I am angry and it is creeping into my every day life and it's affecting MY role as a mother because I'm not the mean, angry mom, but fuck me if I haven't become one. And why is that? Well, it's because I am selfish. I am selfish in the fact that I feel like I was robbed of my two mothers (biological and in law), way too soon. I need them. I need them now more than ever because I have absolutely no guidance (and trust me...I need guidance) in raising my kids and I need more help than ever with my son who has hit early puberty and I have no fucking clue what to do with him and the attitudes and the questions....oh my gods the questions. So, pardon the hell out of me while I throw a big hissy fit because I am angry.
I found myself perusing Facebook and looking at all the wonderful pictures of my friends with their mothers and their smiling faces and posting about how much they love their mothers and I found myself thinking terrible thoughts about them. What the hell? Why in the hell am I hating the fact that these lovely friends of mine HAVE their moms here? What is wrong with me? Do I REALLY want them to experience the pain of not having their mom with them to share their heartaches and celebrations with? Um, no. No, I don't. As a matter of fact, I want NONE of them to experience the pain of losing a parent. And yet, there I was, begrudging them for having their mom, anyways. And I felt like a terrible, miserable human being. And so, I shut my facebook and page down and crawled into bed and cried. And it will be that way until I get my head straight. Okay, maybe not all the way straight....cause that would mean I will be gone forever. I won't put a time frame on it. I will say that I miss my outlet called Facebook, but I also have to say that it is nice to not be caught up in the every day drama of others and what they freely post. Trust me when I say that I may post a lot of things, but I don't post ALL things and for that, be thankful. My readers don't want to know just how fucked up I am. What I will share with you right now is that I dealing a tremendous amount of grief. Mourning the loss of my mother, even though it's been 9 years. Mourning the loss of my mother in law, who has been gone a year now. Mourning the watching of my husband deal with his own grief. Mourning the watching of my children try to deal with all of it too and having so many changes take place in their life, that they have no control over, yet have to deal with.
Yeah, maybe this should be just a diary entry. I don't know. But for those of you who truly "follow" my blog, I thought I owed you an explanation as to where I am. And so if you can get past the unflowiness of this post and just know that I will be okay, that would be great. I've bottle things up for a long time and the cork is out and I'm letting it flow out and I will be okay.
Love to you who care and have reached out. XOXO.....XO.
I found myself perusing Facebook and looking at all the wonderful pictures of my friends with their mothers and their smiling faces and posting about how much they love their mothers and I found myself thinking terrible thoughts about them. What the hell? Why in the hell am I hating the fact that these lovely friends of mine HAVE their moms here? What is wrong with me? Do I REALLY want them to experience the pain of not having their mom with them to share their heartaches and celebrations with? Um, no. No, I don't. As a matter of fact, I want NONE of them to experience the pain of losing a parent. And yet, there I was, begrudging them for having their mom, anyways. And I felt like a terrible, miserable human being. And so, I shut my facebook and page down and crawled into bed and cried. And it will be that way until I get my head straight. Okay, maybe not all the way straight....cause that would mean I will be gone forever. I won't put a time frame on it. I will say that I miss my outlet called Facebook, but I also have to say that it is nice to not be caught up in the every day drama of others and what they freely post. Trust me when I say that I may post a lot of things, but I don't post ALL things and for that, be thankful. My readers don't want to know just how fucked up I am. What I will share with you right now is that I dealing a tremendous amount of grief. Mourning the loss of my mother, even though it's been 9 years. Mourning the loss of my mother in law, who has been gone a year now. Mourning the watching of my husband deal with his own grief. Mourning the watching of my children try to deal with all of it too and having so many changes take place in their life, that they have no control over, yet have to deal with.
Yeah, maybe this should be just a diary entry. I don't know. But for those of you who truly "follow" my blog, I thought I owed you an explanation as to where I am. And so if you can get past the unflowiness of this post and just know that I will be okay, that would be great. I've bottle things up for a long time and the cork is out and I'm letting it flow out and I will be okay.
Love to you who care and have reached out. XOXO.....XO.
Let it all out sister! I have missed you terribly on Facebook but I don't begrudge you at all! You have every right to feel these things and more because when most people just go on with things and don't throw fits and break down and say horrible things, they are nothing but damn liars!!!! I hope you are back soon, but if not I will keep checking here. I also need some help with my 12 year old who has morphed into some man version of my sweet little boy complete with mouth, attitude and overall smelliness
ReplyDeleteLove ya
Hugs to you, Jennay. Totally understand your feelings, and you are entitled to be angry.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. Every day I miss my mother even though she has been gone for many years. I want to share things and thoughts with her and internally weep that I cannot. If I may make a suggestion please try grief counselling, both for you and your husband and for your children. In my case it was suggested by the funeral parlour (!) where my mother was "handled". I followed up because I have a special needs son and was most concerned for his reaction to her death. My two other children where greatly affected as well so we went to grief counselling en masse. It really helped my children and I wish I had continued because it would have helped me as well. No drugs were involved but hypnosis was used and really did help my kids. Not so much me, because I can't be put under but maybe I should try again. Please check out the availability of grief counselling in your area, maybe it would help you and your family deal with your losses. In the meantime please know you are not alone. Hugs from me to you and yours.
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