I Need A Filler

In the last year, my family has lost my mother in law and a grandfather.  In the last two weeks, we have lost two grandmothers.  My husband's and mine.  With the loss of my grandmother (my mom's mom), it has struck me as hard as losing my mother.  Almost harder.  I don't remember crying at the drop of a hat when my mom died.  I don't remember having an overwhelming sense of spinning out of control.  I don't remember wanting to run through a field, screaming at the top of my lungs.  I don't know why.  I don't have funny.  I don't have a smile.  I want to sleep.  I want someone else to tend to my children.  I want someone else to clean.  I want someone else to cook.  I want someone else to breathe for me.  Because I can't do any of it right now.  Can I get a seat filler?  You know, like they do at the Oscars when the actor or actress's seat is empty, so they have someone fill it for them?  I need one of those.  All you will need to do is smile pretty, act like nothing is wrong, and be Superwoman.  Easy peesy.  Meanwhile, I'm not accepting an award while you are my filler....I will just be here, under the covers, trying to breathe and figure out a way to accept that I am not always in control.