Digging With a Spoon

It has been a while since I wrote something.  Over a month.  I guess it stems from the fact that I haven't felt funny and I feel like that's what people expect me to be or write, all of the time.  It's my fault really.  Because I tend to be funny.  All the time.  It's my thing.  But the holidays....God....they have just sucked it right out of me and it's taking me a bit to find my way back.  I mean, sure, I've had my little funny statuses on Facebook, looking all cheery, but Gawd....that has taken effort.  Real effort.  It was like I had to dig and search for something to find humor in and what I did find humor in was dark and noone was getting it. 

The last time I felt like this, it was the first Christmas after my mom died.  Why in the world I didn't expect to feel like this for the first Christmas without my mother in law, I will never know, but it hit me and it hit me hard.  Only, I couldn't let anyone know.  My mother in law took Christmas serious.  She shopped all year long for the entire family.  She even thought of the family pets.  It was very difficult to experience Christmas without her and even though my father in law tried, he fell short.  Way short.  It didn't have the magical feeling that it usually does and it was difficult to take.  My husband was struggling with all of that too and it showed, which is highly unusual for him and I didn't want to take away from his own grief by making him deal with mine.  My kids were also dealing with not having their Gran this season and it was tough for them, too, so I put my happy face on and dealt with it.  I wanted to support them through it.  Crafts, cooking, playing.  In the words of Sweet Brown.....my grief....."Ain't nobody got time for that."  I could cry and grieve in the bathroom when I was by myself.

Everyone deals with grief differently, I guess.  My husband goes and gets lost in the woods, losing himself in that silence.   I wouldn't say that he shuts me out.  He just needs space and when he comes home after that time in the woods, he opens up to me and talks about what he was thinking about.  I tend to internalize and not share my frief.  I would rather be branded with a hot poker than to have you see me crying.  It's not because of a pride thing.  I don't care if you know that I'm sad or upset.  It's because I don't want to burden you with it.  I don't want you to worry about me.  I would rather focus on what's going on with you, because I don't want you seeing my insecurities and my weaknesses.  I will give you all the love and affection and care that I have in my being, but you giving it back to me makes me uneasy, makes me feel undeserving.  I don't know why that is.  It just....is.  Even when I sink into this.....this....depression, I guess you call it, I think, God, Jennay....what are you so down about?  You have an amazing life.  An amazing husband, children....things are not that bad.  So what, you lost your mother.  So what, you lost your mother in law.  Big fucking deal.  People deal with far worse than that. People lose far more than you have ever dreamed of.   And yet, even though I feel that I don't deserve to have moment of sadness, I still can't shake it.  Because even though there are people who have lost far more than me, I've still lost something.  I've lost it twice.  I have no way of replacing it.  And you know what?  I don't want to replace my two mothers.  Two was enough.  I can't bear the thought of attaching myself to another one and losing that, too.

And so, Christmas came and went and New Year's showed up and for that....I am thankful.  A new year to have and make new memories.  I'm gonna place that smile back on my face.  I'm gonna grieve privately (or not so privately, since I am sharing it here.).   And I'm gonna be that support for everybody else.  I'm gonna find my funny, again.  Not that it was really lost.  It's just buried and I'm having to dig a little bit to find it.  I'm hoping that I don't have to dig, too far.  Because I only have this spoon and it's not working very well.