What NOT to say .....

So, I've had a few weeks since my mother in laws death to finally sit back, breathe and reflect on things.  I've mostly thought about how much we are going to miss her.  I've thought about how remarkable of a woman she was.  There were things about her that, even after being married to her son for 12 years, I didn't know.  I've thought about how now I am truly gonna have to wing the rest of this mommy thing by myself, since I no longer have her or my mom.  They are probably looking down on me now, laughing together, at the fact that I am clueless, really, and saying to each other, "this is gonna be one helluva a story that our grandkids can tell to their children."  Then, I start thinking about the days immediately after her death and the wake and funeral.  The phone calls, the texts, the flowers, the cards, the visitors at her wake and funeral.

You see, my mother in law was a prominent lady in the community.  Partly because of her political status, mainly because of her love to serve her community and longing to help others.  Her wake and funeral was attended by hundreds of people.  Well known politicians, friends from back in her childhood days, friends from all of the clubs she was a part of, family members, ministers from churches, other cancer survivors, ladies that she had sat beside through chemo treatments....the list goes on and on. We stood by her casket, as a family, greeting every single person that came through, never taking a seat for 4 1/2 hours.  People stood in line with a two hour wait, just to give their condolences.  It was amazing to see how loved she was and how she affected so many peoples lives.  We would laugh with some people as they shared their stories and just break down and cry with others as they told us about how she inspired them through their own cancer stories.

But then, there were some.....of course there are ALWAYS some....you know, the ones who say the most awkward things (I admittedly raise my hand and acknowledge that I have been known to put my foot in my mouth, then have to remove it and shove it up my own ass).  So, I figured that just in case you didn't know, these are some of the things that you should not do or say at a wake/funeral and also some other just general common sense stuff.  Ready?

1.  Send an email like this to her daughter in law, "Hey girl. Sorry to hear about your Mother-in-Law.
Question for a friend - what age does the city camp start?"  I shit you not, there was no editing to this email.  It was sent to me the very night my mother in law passed.

My response ~ "Thank you for your condolences.  Please send any questions that you may have about my work, to my work, during this extremely difficult time of grieving over the loss of my mother in law."

What I really meant to say was ~ Fuck you, bitch.  You're no friend.

2.  While visiting the family at their home immediately after the passing of their loved one, never say, "Jesus, she was a pill taker, wasn't she?"

My response ~ "well, she was very sick, for a long time"

What I really meant to say was ~ She was battling this little thing they call CANCER.  You know, that bad shit that eats up all your organs and sucks your soul out.  She was in extreme pain, so pardon the fuck out of her if she needed a lot of pain meds and such to get her through.

3.  "What are you gonna do with all of her anxiety pills and morphine?"  Yes, same goshdayum person as above

My response ~ Everything will be disposed of.

What I meant to really say/do ~ yell out, "Hide the morphine and Xanax, Pawpaw.  We got a pill seeker."

4.  When attending the wake or funeral, never say, "God, it doesn't even look like her."

My response ~ "She really looks like she did in the pictures I've seen of her as a young woman."

What I really meant to say was ~ "She's dead.  Does anyone ever truly look like themselves while lying in a casket."

5.  When attending a wake or funeral, never say "Oh, she looks so terrible."  (Yes, one old woman actually said that...out loud.  My husband calmly put his hand on my lower back, signaling to calm down and not take her out.)

My response ~ "I think she looks beautiful."

What I really meant to say was ~ "Listen old woman, Imma about to whip your 75 year old ass into Kingdom Come and we'll see who looks better then.  You or my mother in law, lying in a casket.  I'm betting you will lose."  The old saying, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it all....it really does apply here too.

6.  "Well, now you are the female who represents the family.  You have a big role to fill."

My response ~ "Noone could possibly fill her shoes."

What I really meant to say was ~  "Look at me.  Do I honestly look like I could represent anything?  The only role I want to fill is the one on my dinner plate.....with butter."

7.  If you aren't sincere, then don't send the following email:  "I'm so sorry.  Please let me know what I can do.  Clean your house, make you dinner, watch your kids, run errands for you."  Especially, if you are actually out of town, because it makes for this awkward conversation....

Me,  "Hey, <insert friends name>, do you think there is anyway that you can watch my kids for about 2 hours for me tomorrow morning, while I go with the family to make funeral arrangements."

Her, "Well, actually, I'm out of town until the end of this week.  I'm so sorry."

Crickets <chirp, chirp,chirp>

Me, "Um, okay.  Thanks anyway."

What I really meant to say was ~ "I literally just got this email from you two hours ago.  Fuck you and the cleaning of my house, making of my dinner, watching of my kids and running of my errands.  How is that possible when you are in a completely different state....and don't mean a mental one....or maybe I do, you fucking smack friend.

There were so many more.  And you know, I DO realize that most people mean well.  That they truly just don't know what to say to those of us who have just lost a loved one.  So my advice to you is....always just go with "I'm so sorry.  I have no words."  PLEASE have NO words.  I wish that those listed above, had no words.