Is it totally wrong to be a mother and yet, hate Mother's Day? Okay, let me ask a question. Is it okay to hate Mother's Day because your mother is no longer here and you just lost your mother in law, making the holiday feel pointless....even though you are a Mom?
Believe me. I love being a mother. My Little Man and Chunkamunk are two of the three best things I ever did in life (the other, if you're wondering, is marrying their dad 12 years ago). I adore them. But this day....God, this day....I know that I should suck it up and enjoy my own children, but let's face it, this day is about honoring OUR mothers, not ourselves as a mother. Every part of me wants to crawl into the bed and not come out from under the covers. I miss my mother so terribly and the one saving grace that I had to help out with that these last eight years, has been my mother in law. She comforted me when I was sad, she gave me advice when I needed it, she loved me, she loved my children. Now she's been gone for two weeks and here comes this holiday and it's like, "oh, let me slap you in the face and remind you that you have noone here anymore." I'm so not used to feeling like poor, pitiful Jennay and I feel totally out of place with all of these terrible feelings. I've got to work them out and I guess here is as good of place as any.
I've written notes about my mother before, you all know how much I cherished her. I guess this one is going to focus more on my mother in law. In the twelve years that I have been in this family, I grew to love her as though she were my own mom. Heck, she was my only mom for the last 8 years. I will never forget the first time that I met her. It was in Spring of 1999. Big Sexy was taking me to a banquet that was honoring his mom for becoming a lifetime member of a Million Dollar Club in real estate. I was so dang nervous. Will she like me? Is my hair okay? Am I over dressed? Am I under dressed? ( I was wearing a pretty little black sundress that came down to my ankles, nothing fancy...something you could wear to church, I reckon). Big Sexy assured me that I was beautiful and that she would love me. So we went to pick up his brother and his then girlfriend and when they walk out the door and she is wearing this yellow evening gown, I thought....oh God....I'm screwed.....my nerves were shot to pieces at that point. We drove to the location of the banquet and there were his parents, waiting outside for us. I just knew that as soon as I got out of the vehicle that she was going to look me up and down and wonder where in the heck Doug met me and how quickly could she get him to quit dating me. I knew I should have worn something fancier...dang, dang, dang. When we walked up, she had this huge smile on her face and grabbed me in a hug, squeezed tight and said, "it is so wonderful to finally meet you." Oh God....relief. She liked me. Come to find out, I was the first girl that Doug had brought home in years and she was thrilled to meet me.
After me & the hubs were engaged, I knew it was important to include his Mom on planning the wedding. She only had the two boys, so in her own words, I was the daughter she never had. I wanted her to be able to experience what all mothers should get to experience. She went with me and my mother to pick out my wedding dress, she helped with the decorations, food selection, you name it, she was right there with me to help and she continued to help me through the next twelve years. I do think that I broke her heart a little when years later, I finally admitted to her that I hated to shop and that I wasn't big on jewelry. She tried her best to get me to enjoy shopping and every year, gave me jewelry, hoping that my love for it would grow and it did, a little, but never to my mother in laws kind of standards.
The same year that my mom passed away, my mother in law was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. She was given two years to live. My first thought was God couldn't be so cruel as to take away two mothers from me. Gran was a fighter. She took that two years and added six more to it. All along the way, she had set backs. Reoccurrences of cancer. But it was as though she never even acknowledged them. She kept smiling, fighting it and never letting it get her down. She never wanted to let anyone know that she was literally, fighting death. Not her friends, not her kids, not her grandchildren. She was the strongest, most amazing woman. Well, two weeks ago, it finally beat her, but she didn’t go easily. She did go surrounded by her family, who reminded her how much she meant to them, how much they loved her, how much we learned from her, and how we will never let her leave our hearts.
So, now, having a Mother's Day with no mothers.....well, yes, it’s killing me and what's even worse is that it now is hurting my husband. But you know what helps? Snuggling up to the Little Man and the Chunkamunk and feeling their love for me. Ultimately, I know how I feel about my mothers and it feels good to know that I have two little persons who feel the same way about me.
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