"I'm not gonna lie. There are some days that I wish I wasn't a mother. Of course, there is immediate guilt for having those thoughts.....but I admit to having them. Some days I suck ass as a mother. Today is one of them days. Anyone who says it's always rainbow and butterflies is a liar."
Oh, Gawd. I typed that out on my Facebook page yesterday....and I posted it. As soon as I did, I felt sick. Sick for putting that out there in the universe. Sick for admitting it out loud. And sick because I just KNEW that I was gonna get backlash for it, because I've seen some of my friends who have gotten slammed for admitting far less of things.
I was surpised.
I was shocked at the messages sent and the comments posted saying that they have felt that way, too and that I was one of the most real people that they had "met" on here for admitting it. People thanking me for putting that out there and letting them know that they were not alone. Let me tell you something....YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Motherhood is one of the most wonderful jobs I have. There are times where my kids still want to be right beside me and hug me and help me. There are times that their heart is breaking and I can comfort them like noone else can. There are times where they need advice and they know that I'm going to straight shoot it to them. All of those are wonderful, wonderful times. But then....there are those times where nothing I say, do, look, cook, feel is right to them. Nothing. It's those days....those few and far between days where I think, what in the hell was I thinking in being a mother? They obviously think that I am stupid and know nothing. They obviously hate everything that I do. I am simply their chauffeur, their maid, their cook and that is ALL that they want me for. I don't want to be a mother.
And then the guilt sets in for that one, seven word thought. Immediate guilt. Of course I want to be a mother. If something happened to one or both of them, I would be devastated. And yet....that thought did and does cross my mind....and I admit that it does. Why would I not admit that it does? I'm not perfect. I don't even strive to be anymore. I try to be the best that I can....and my best is okay. Okay is the new best, didn't you know? By admitting that it's not always rainbows and butterflies and that there are moments where I don't feel love for my children, that is not admitting that I am a terrible person. It's admitting that I am a human who gets stressed and who "feels the feelings" (as my friend Katy says).
Motherhood. A wonderful, but sometime thankless role. Thankless until you're 55 years old and about to breathe your last breath and your 29 year old daughter is kneeling beside your bed, realizing that she never thanked you enough for all that you did and feels regret for that and so she cries and begins thanking you, right then and right there and hopes that you heard her and understood her. And now at 37, that same daughter knows that one day, her own children are going to thank her for all that she did for them.....and they will even thank her when the day comes that they have their own children and she honestly tells them that there will be these days where they don't like or even feel like loving them...and that's okay, because it passes just as quickly as it surfaces.
Guilt is an interesting emotion. And when I say interesting, I mean it sucks. I got some great advice from a friend. You need to rewrite those tapes in your head. They're wrong.
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful, thank you for sharing what a lot of us Mom's think.
ReplyDeleteThere are days, many days, when I don't LIKE my kids; but I will always LOVE them.
You're human? Who knew? Great post. We've ALL been there, but we're not all willing to admit it. Kudos to you for having the balls
ReplyDeleteAll so very true! Motherhood, is tiring and rewarding. I hope it equals out sometime! More people need to tell the truth about their feelings. I can see right thru the bullshit that people put out there. I haven't been to your blog for a while, glad I found this post. :)
ReplyDelete-Ellen
This is awesome thank you for sharing!!! My daughter gets so mad a me for saying she was an accident she is (20) I was 18 but it is the truth and she should know that I do not beleive in the rainbows and butterflies mentality be honest with your children they deserve it and they deserve to know what it is like in the real world and what real feelings are. Truth is I did not want to be a mother but I became one due to my own carlessness that being said I had 9 months to figure out how to be a mom heck the way I see it we gre up together and I LOVE her no matter what she wasnt wanted in the beginning but I would fight, kill or die to keep her safe!! Even though she is 20 and knows it all lol!!! Thanks for being you!!
ReplyDeleteOh boy, I know this feeling! There are days I also have this thought. The first few times it pops into your mind you feel so very ashamed at having thought it. But you're right, we are human. We are allowed to have human thoughts and emotions. Being mother's doesn't take away those rights. It doesn't take away those thoughts. There is no reason to feel guilty. Thanks for your honest words.
ReplyDeleteThis is all so true.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it amazing that when we least expect it, people are beyond warm and supportive. I wrote an eerily similar post this morning and was also waiting for the backlash...the "you don't deserve your kids" comments and the "you're ungrateful for your amazing life" messages that would make me feel worse for my horrible feelings.
ReplyDeleteThey never came.
And I mean NOT ONE.
What happened instead was this: a giant collective sigh of relief that I had put into words and validated the guilty feeling we ALL have. We are so busy putting on the 'perpetually happy' mask for the world that we never show our imperfections nor do we see them in others.
BRAVO for admitting ALL OUR FEELINGS. The only thing that makes you different is that you had the guts and the courage to honestly put it out there.
THANK YOU.
Here's the link to my post, in case you're interested:http://theycallmemummy.com/2013/04/03/there-is-no-me-in-mummy
Oh boy do I have days when I feel I can't do anything right by my kids and those days really suck. They suck hard. But the other days, the GOOD days, bring me back to "center" and allow me to have those bad days, those "I can't FREAKING do this" days that every one of us have as mothers. It's a constant balancing act.
ReplyDeleteVery relatable. Thank you for sharing.
<3
I feel this way too, not because I don't love my kids and want to be their Mama all the time but because it's just hard. I know your hubby is gone a lot and I do it on my own and let me tell you, the few days they do go to their dad's is like heaven sometimes. ON the bad days when i feel like a big freaking failure I say " I am the worst mother inthe world" and my 11 year old tells me I am the best so I must be doing something right!
ReplyDeleteI very often wonder if I was supposed to be a mother. I think it is driving me crazy and I would be a much better ME if I didnt have THEM driving me crazy, but then I think...what good would a better me be without them? It's all a balancing act, the trick is finding the balance....I dont know if you ever do...you just keep trying the best you can. Love this post!! <3 Devan
ReplyDeleteSO TRUE. My guilty thought is 'why did I have so many?'. All 4 were planned yet there are times when I sit here in the midst of a mess and yelling about computer time/snacks/dinner/rooms/where the hell is that DS... when all I can think is 'who in the hells idea was this anyway?!?'
ReplyDeleteCarrie @ Just Mildly Medicated